I Hope You Finally Arrive

I went away this weekend. It was meant to be an eleven hour drive, but between traffic, puppy stops and eating… it took me almost 13 hours to get there and close to 14.5 hours to get back. The Airbnb we stayed at in NC was in the mountains with no service or wifi. Apparently, it said there was no wifi and service was spotty in the description, but I didn’t really read that nor did either of my friends. Lesson learned. It was nice though, being away. Minus the creepy tunnel (I thought I was going to be abducted by aliens), and the fog (I thought the spirits were going to take me).

The BBQ was bomb though, and that was the whole purpose of the trip. At least that’s what I tell people. Truthfully, I needed to get away. It’s like every moment I’m here I can feel a weight pressed on my chest. I’m loathe to use cliches like that, but in this instance… it’s the most accurate way I can describe my feelings. My feelings waver from a deep sadness that I won’t even attempt to put into words. Then there’s the anger. I am so fucking angry sometimes. And as much as I’ve turned this blog into a confessional of sorts, I’ll keep that anger close to me. In fact, I’ve only ever verbalized who and what I’m angry about to less than a handful of people. I feel guilty too.

I’ve been more active on social media. I joke with my friends. I go and do things. But for every moment a smile curls the corners of my mouth and a laugh escapes my lips, I am consumed by guilt. Like I don’t deserve it because she’s not here. Because the moments I did have with her, I squandered. She laughed because of me. She smiled because of me. She loved because of me. She was happy because of me, but she also cried because of me. She also worried because of me. She hurt because of me.

Logically, I know I’m being foolish, and everyone will tell me that she wouldn’t want me to be like this. I get it. I think I agree, and I know I agree. But the paradox of my thoughts and feelings clash here. I can’t help how I feel.

I’m so sorry for not being better for you.

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